Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
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