Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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