Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just invented taco cereal.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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