We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
