So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
