Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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