That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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