Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
