Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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