so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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