I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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