never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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