omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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