I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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