drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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