awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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