when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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