Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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