Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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