First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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