Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
