keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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