holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
