Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
