I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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