dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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