During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
