She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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