guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Panties = found
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
