her vagine was all disorganized.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
