I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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