I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
