I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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