I saw his package. It spoke to me.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
