I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
