Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
