Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Help. Why am I so naked?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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