This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
