i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
