I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
