His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize