I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
