I want to have your abortion
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize