I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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