My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
