Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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