Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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