He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
