So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
this hospital has no fireball
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize