mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
