How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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