when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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