I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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