So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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