Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
