a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
