you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize