i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
