that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
