I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize