I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
