so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
