He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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