OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize