At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I wish there were birth control emojis
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
