hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
