Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
